


Past Lives

by GreenOnyx



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Leia Princess of Alderaan
Genre: F/F, Leia Princess of Alderaan spoilers, Light Sexual Content, TLJ Spoilers, Tragic Romance, an honest to god attempt at canon compliance, authoritative space pansexual, strange similes, subdued space battle angst, wlw and big ass space guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenOnyx/pseuds/GreenOnyx
Summary: At General Organa's request Vice Admiral Holdo has brought the heavily armed Ninka, carrying two bomber squadrons to aid in the evacuation of the Rebel base on D'Qar. After a narrow escape from the battle in orbit Holdo takes a moment to breathe.





	Past Lives

Amilyn took in a slow and cleansing breath. The first moment of relief after a drawn out near miss had become one of her favorite things to experience in her time in her first rebellion. It was even more energizing in her second. When she had first accidentally and wholeheartedly joined the rebellion (in a cargo hold full of quadanium with Leia by her side) she had been a relative stranger to her pet fascination of the time, the nearness and inevitability of death. Now she carried it every day like a heavy warm cloak on her back. 

She approached the holo table and listened to the confirmations of systems checks going on around her. Leia had asked to speak with her once they were clear of the First Order, to be advised on systems that might be amenable to hosting a small Rebel fleet. Amilyn looked forward to the talk. She felt what Leia had once called her loopy smile spreading across her face while she thought of it. The only conversations she’d had with Leia in weeks had been via holo, it would be good to be in her presence. Her spirit was accustomed to-no-dependent upon refreshment by nearness to Leia.  

\----  
“Glowwine” she had unintentionally said aloud four weeks ago on D’Qar while she traced a line from Leia’s chin to her navel in the General’s private quarters.   
“Glowwine?” Leia asked without opening her eyes, being very accustomed to Amilyn’s strange interjections by now “we haven’t had glowwine in decades... unless you’ve been having it without me” she raised an eyebrow in mock jealousy.   
“You. In this fight. You’re like glowwine.” Amilyn clarified while she leaned closer and followed the same path down Leia’s body with her mouth this time. Between slow, deep kisses on Leia’s warm skin she expanded on her point “This fight... is exhausting... demoralizing...”

Leia knit her eyebrows together in unpleasant sensory confusion. She knew from experience that when Amilyn made her point it was likely to make perfect sense, but the words punctuating her kisses right now were tainting the experience somewhat. Amilyn continued “chaotic... frantic...”  
“Amilyn...”  
“But you” she stopped her attentions for a moment to look into Leia’s now open eyes “-but give me an evening of your sparkle...” she resumed her kisses, extending her trail past Leia’s navel “let me drink from your cup..” she settled her body between Leia’s legs and after a moment focused on lavishing Leia’s thighs with kisses she continued“...and especially if you promise me more... I find I’m full of the strength I need to go back out there... I have the stamina to fight the fight until it’s over...and I’m not the only one. You inspire us all.” Amilyn now entirely focused on expressing her love for Leia via the body, now that she’d expressed herself to the mind.   
“Well you’re the only one invited to drink from my cup” Leia couldn’t help herself. Amilyn laughed between her legs.   
\------

There were few left in the galaxy and only one left in her life who understood her when she relaxed into her private self. Her meeting with Leia wouldn’t be relaxed and private, but that didn’t stop her anticipating it with a feeling that was rosy around the edges just the same.  

“Enemy ships arriving, Admiral!” 

Icy tension spread its roots in her stomach at the words. They couldn’t be. She turned to see the ships appearing one quickly after another on the monitor as the proximity sirens sounded. One of the ships was bigger, too big. The Supremacy appeared in miniature holographic form in front of her and the icy tendrils in her stomach reached for her spine. “No one is that lucky. Not even Snoke.”   
“Then what, Admiral?” Her second in command had almost the appropriate amount of fear in his eyes. 

“Turn us around! Shields up!” Amilyn ordered.  
“You don’t think they tracked us? How can they?”  
The question wasn’t intended to be rhetorical, she knew, but due to the imminent arrival of a trio of TIE fighters the answer would have to wait. Only three. That meant they had a plan they were very confident about.  
“They’re focusing fire on the Raddus, cover the hangar until you see x-wings in the air” This was the part she hated most. Leia was convinced command suited Amilyn but Amilyn was less sure, especially when she had to stand and watch while other people put themselves in the line of fire before her. She knew the concepts were at odds with one another in practical application, but she couldn’t shake that gut feeling that as the one giving the orders she ought to be at least one of the ones carrying them out. When Leia was an Admiral herself she had convinced Amilyn to accept the promotion to commander even though it meant less of a tactile connection to the fight. _“You’ve always been a brilliant pilot, Amilyn. You think on your feet and you see what other people don’t-but that’s why I need you on my bridge, I need your strategic mind”_ .

Amilyn’s heart sank as she saw the flames emerging from the Raddus’ hangar deck. They’d let one slip through and it had possibly been detrimental. The trio was circling the Raddus, none of them were in sight of the Ninka at present. She could see them on the monitors though, circling from the command ship’s opposite side. The holo showed her three light fighters approaching from its front, they were just out of the Ninka’s range for a clean shot. “Be ready to fire on those three the second they’re in your sights” she called.  Two of the TIEs fired on the bridge of the Raddus-fired on Leia. For a split second she was allowed to believe that the shots wouldn’t land true, they’d hit the hull and everything would shake but everything would be fine-then they hit. She saw the flames and the shapes of small looking bodies going rigid in the cold as they were sucked out into space. The bottom of her stomach dropped out and the ice in her spine froze even colder. In a matter of seconds she had the satisfaction of watching the pilots who’d done it explode as her gunners shot them down. It didn’t bring her back. It didn’t bring Leia back. She had no absolute guarantee that Leia was on the bridge when it was breached…but in the middle of a battle there’s nowhere else Leia would be. The TIEs were retreating, unprotected by their destroyers at this distance, a solid move (on Leia’s part, she assumed), to keep as far out of range of the heavy First Order ships as they could. But it hadn’t saved her, the rebel ships were lighter and faster, but they hadn’t been fast enough.

Amilyn silently tried to clamp down her emotions and the memories threatening to ruin her focus and hold them at the back of her mind. This was not the time and not the place for them, but they slipped through anyway. Packed into a stretch of a few seconds as the chaos abated around her she felt something akin to the loss she had felt at the sight of Leia kissing Han with all the love in the galaxy in her eyes when they were newlyweds. When Leia introduced her best friend to her new husband Amilyn had been shocked to make such an ill-timed discovery about herself. Before watching that kiss Amilyn had refused to acknowledge the true nature and the true depth of her feelings for Leia. But it’s hard to ignore the truth when it crashes over you like a Chandrilan mudslide. Amilyn realized that after Kier, she had childishly tacitly assumed Leia would never love again and banished the idea from her mind. It had been more than enough for her to be in Leia’s presence, to be her friend and after their shared trauma, her confidant-until she saw Leia’s eyes that day and knew that the love in them was her most sacred desire. But she held the emotion then much as she had intended to do today, held it in the furthest reaches of her mind, keeping tabs on it to ensure it didn’t grow into something poisonous. She knew then that she had been naive and missed her chance entirely (they looked as though nothing could come between them, the princess and the smuggler, like an egalitarian fairytale). But she had been alright then because she got to keep Leia, the rest of their lives as friends ahead of them. Now Leia was gone and Amilyn had to fight in her place-without her. _*Without her.*_ The words swam laps around Amilyn’s brain _*without her, without her*_ they were awful. They were the worst two words in the galaxy. _*without her*_

Amilyn waited for the call she hoped wouldn’t come: the call that would confirm Leia’s death and summon Amilyn to command. This was all assuming no one had been spared from the bridge explosion. She silently hoped that someone, any of the brave and capable warriors that Leia kept by her side had been lucky enough to be elsewhere. When the call came it was from Commander D’acy. Amilyn was relieved to hear her voice. _*One friend left in the galaxy*_ she thought. “Our bridge has been breached and you’re needed aboard the Raddus immediately” 

Amilyn informed her second in command and ordered a transport. On the short ride to the Raddus Amilyn fumbled around inside her mind, trying to capture all of her stray emotions and memories before they leapt to the surface. She couldn’t allow herself to absorb the fact that Leia was gone. She knew it. She held the fact gingerly in her mind, not letting it settle. Once it did she felt certain she’d be extinguished-vanish in a puff of smoke. She felt as if there could be no her without Leia. 

When the transport docked and she disembarked the first person she saw was Larma D’acy. She threw her arms around her and Larma did the same. “She’s alive, Amilyn. She came back to us.”  
Amilyn’s mind was immediately empty and then immediately overfull.   
“Take me to her. Brief me on the way.”  
“She was pulled out into space the same as the others, but she held on-she used the force to pull herself back to the ship. But Amilyn- Admiral... she’s incapacitated. Unconscious.”  
“Alive.”  
“Alive.”

Even unconscious in a medical bay she was intimidating. There was nothing about Leia Organa that wasn’t impressive. Amilyn wished she could kiss her, but the med bubble wouldn’t allow that. She stood and held her princess’ hand. “Leia” she spoke softly “my Leia... I’ll take care of them until you’re back” she promised. She leaned down to press a kiss to Leia’s hand and then, with renewed hope, she stood up to follow Larma to the secondary bridge.


End file.
